Debilitating depression

It is insidious, slinking in over time, evoking reactions of anger and irritation against annoying people, inoperative software, immature politics. Eventually, I give up, staying in my room reading, watching TV, playing video games!! I crave sugar, pasta, and alcohol. The circle spins as my body doesn’t move and is filled with poisons, leading to deeper despondency.

My depression does not prevent me from doing the necessities. I complete my job responsibilities, laundry, housework and social obligations. Without friends and family to pry me from the house, though, I need only the thought of facing a group of people to keep me at home and away from fitness classes.

Depression does not need a reason. The answer to the question of “what do I have to be depressed about?” is “nothing!” I am fully aware that well over 99% of the world views me correctly as privileged. I enjoy relatively economic stability as well as good health for myself and my loved ones and have escaped the horrors of addiction that plague so many good families.

Medication certainly helps, and I take it regularly. But this week, with my exercise buddies out of town and heat driving me indoors, it is apparent that medication doesn’t do it all. So I need to be extra kind to myself and others. This shall pass, I remind myself.


Poor self-discipline. I am charged and convicted. Why is it that we can fulfill the duties of a job day after day, but exercise gets laid aside at any inconvenience? I take the blame of poor self-discipline.

Years I ago I envied a neighbor with boundless energy. She worked full-time, took classes, had three growing children, and managed a good marriage and home life. As I crawled to bed at night, I could see her baking cookies or ironing in her kitchen. She told me she couldn’t help herself. I was in awe.

At that time a bewildering and lengthy illness sent my metabolism awry, resulting in boundless energy. I couldn’t stop; what a strange sensation. I didn’t have to force myself to do anything; my body wanted to move! Is this what my neighbor felt all the time? What I could accomplish if this were normal for me!

The metabolism stabilized after only two weeks, crashing me to my normal level. Now with the pain, stiffness, and decreased strength of aging, inactivity is easy to excuse.

So I have been trying to get to yoga, RIPPED, and body conditioning, but Easter intervened. As a church musician, the season is stressful and busy and, for me, a good excuse to blow off exercise. The self-medication of stress eating, wine, and chocolate bunnies results in less than desirable physical state as well as state of mind. HELP!

This week’s resolve: get back to moving! In any shape or form!