Like a cartoon character, I carried the good angel and the little demon on either shoulder throughout my life. The demon wasn’t evil, just my Self trying to break free. The angel was my mother, eliciting guilt and resentment long past her 96 years on earth.
To say that my mother was a poor parent would be a lie. She tried her best to be a respectable mother and met that goal, giving me wonderful experiences that contributed to my success in life. Raising children in the 1950s-‘60’s could not have been easy when your own childhood was marked by the Great Depression and World War II with its loss of loved ones. My parents were markedly older than my friends’ parents, leaving them with the values of the ‘30’s and ‘40’s, unprepared for the social revolution that would challenge their children.
As the oldest daughter, I carried the torch through these tumultuous times and the guilt in resisting my mother’s edicts. Finally freed of dress codes in college, I donned jeans, although my mother thought I should wear dresses to parties. Finding myself pregnant in college, I married the father of my child. Thankfully, I married the perfect son-in-law and remain married 48 years later. But the shame of getting pregnant never left. I was, therefore, mystified when I discovered many years later that my maternal grandmother had been pregnant when she married my grandfather. Mom said they often laughed about it. They didn’t laugh about me.
I never shed the guilt of taking on employment while raising children, although part time. Mom never understood my need to do something beyond the home. The Self is not to be denied, though, so I found some fulfilling roles.
Mom spent her final three years living in our home. She remained mentally sharp, a generous mother, and a favored grandmother. We were heartbroken when she passed away peacefully in her granddaughter’s arms in a hospice group home.
It has been eight years. I drove by the group home last week and noted, as always, the window of her room. I also noted that for the first time, I felt no mourning and no guilt, only wonderful memories.
We are both at peace.
My mother has only been gone 1 year and I know I will never stop missing her. She too was a wonderful mother to her 9 children. We really were the most important people in her life despite all the challenges we presented to her and there were many believe me!!
She also was raised in different times by parents who they themselves were raised in very different times. I’m sure my own children assume I didn’t understand all their life conundrums either. That’s how it goes in life I guess!
Mom would want you to feel at peace and only have wonderful memories of her and dad.
We all come with baggage and scars from our childhoods. I know now that our parents did too. Although my parents had many challenges which obviously affected my brother and me, I knew how much I was loved. My kids also grew up with challenges with their Father having health issues most of their lives. But I know they know how loved they are. Best we can do….